one of those days.

I need to go back to bed and pretend like the first part of today never happened. I'm so emotional I want to punch myself in the face and yell eff you suck it up... and then go sit in the corner and cry about it. It is a shitty realization around Christmas time and at the end of the pregnancy that I am going to have to go back to work full time after Ryland is born. Which means there is no point in trying to get more custody of Zoey because even if I did get her I would be at work Monday-Friday and have to pay even more in daycare. Sucks because I know I'm an empty shell with out her. Brenton and soon to be Ryland get the short end of the stick in this situation. I love all three of my babies so much, but when you have your first born ripped from you for 2 months with absolutely no contact and then you end up only getting her every other weekend you are bound to show favoritism. I really try not to, but I know for sure I do. 

 I am having severe anxiety attacks today. The elephant on the chest syndrome sucks. Pregnancy hormones are a bitch. I 100% want to get my tubes tied. If I want more kids down the road I'll remind my self on how flat ass broke I am at this moment and go look at puppies. 

I think the worst thing today is not having any friends. I have people out here who claim to be my friend, but they're never around when I need them. Today is a day that I need someone. I hate being so far from Texas. Moving the day after I graduated was the worst best mistake of my life. I'm lonely, but I have my kids. I know I'd be nothing and nowhere if I wouldn't of left when I did. 

I'm totally in a fuck life attitude today. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.