it's a lonely time

Boys. I'm surrounded by boys. I miss Zoey. I love my babies boys, but I miss my girl. 

I think the postpartum depression isn't going to go away this time like it did the other 2 times. Like right now I want to just burst into tears. I'm so angry and short tempered. I look at my self and think who the hell is this bitch? Can I slap the shit out of her? I don't want to go back to chemically induced happiness, but it looks like that's the road we're on. Sucks doesn't it? Knowing that you have a great life, great house, family, car, job, but you're still so sad and angry. Maybe this is more from not having Zoey here all the time. Maybe this is really the hormones still trying to find balance. Maybe this is more of I really miss Texas. I don't really have anyone out here. I'm so lonely all the time. I have my cousin, but she doesn't exactly live down the street. I know that I can always text her or facebook message her and she'll be there for me, but it's not the same as being able to have that "let's go hang out" time.

I'm really excited to say that my sister will be here Brenton's birthday weekend!! From the 15th-19th. I think that will help calm some of this shitty emo anxiety I'm having. We're going to go to the World Wildlife Zoo for Brenton's birthday. We're also going to squeeze in the AZ Mills Aquarium. We will for sure do some major shopping and possibly I will get Ryland's tattoo! I've been thinking a Nautical star with his initials. Not sure where to get it though. Not getting in on my arm. Zoey is the only one that gets an arm. Only because it hurt like hell carrying her with a healing tattoo. Oy! Brenton is on the outer left. Jennifer is on the outer right. My mom has my right shoulder blade and my dad will be getting the left. Maybe do a thigh piece? Or just do inner left calf. I don't know. I'm so undecided. I do know that his colors will be blues.

That's really all I can think of for now. I need to find my camera and post some updated pictures. Ryland is huge. He's already wearing 3 month clothing. HE'S NOT EVEN A MONTH OLD!!!! Brenton weighs 26 lbs! He is heavy and tall. He's also sick. =[ We're back to doing breathing treatments. He was running a fever Thursday night so Friday after Ryland's consult to get his circumcision (finally) I took him to the pedi on base. Was told to just watch it for now and try to keep the baby away from him. HA. Easy for you to say doctor! Brenton is no longer taking so well with Ryland. It's mostly because he is sick, but also because I feed Ryland all the time that I don't have anytime with Brenton anymore. I try to get Bart to take him out side and to the park as much as possible, but with him being sick I don't want him around other kids. Although it was the kids of Bart's new friends that got Brenton sick in the first place. Asses. (Parents not the kids) Pisses me off because this entire winter I've been dreading pneumonia with Brenton like it was right before he turned a year old. He's been so good. Has barely been sick at all. Then Bart meets these people with kids our kids ages and BAM Brenton is having to do effing breathing treatments. Snot pouring out of his face. Coughing. Fever. Throwing up. Way to fail asses. You don't take your sick kids to a public place until they are 100% better. Whatever. Sickness was bound to happen this year. I'm already coming down with it. Thank God Ryland is Breastfed. He'll get antibodies from the boob juice so hopefully he won't get it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everyone is better by Friday. I'll be damned if we give this shit to Zoey. I don't want to do breathing treatments with her too. Brenton is up from his nap. Time to go =]