A New Relationship with Christ

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, "manifestation, striking appearance") is an experience of sudden and striking realization. 

Above is the wikipedia definition of what I had a week ago today. I was randomly searching through radio stations and landed on K-Love. For those of you who don't know K-Love is a Christian radio station. The song that came on immediately brought me to tears while I sang along to every word. I finally had an epiphany of what is missing in my life. I finally figured out what I need to make me happy, whole, and not be so full of anger all the time. God. 

I was raised in a very southern Baptist church in a very small town. When I was younger I was all about church, youth group, vacation bible school, Jesus, and for some reason as I got older I lost my faith in Christ and my world started heading south. I was into pills, drinking, cutting, relationships that aren't suppose to be. I moved from that small town the day after I graduated high school and left all that behind besides the bad relationship. It was mostly that relationship that moved me to Yuma, Arizona shortly after I moved to Phoenix. A few weeks after moving there the bad relationship went to hell for lack of a better term. I didn't have any friends, barely spoke to my family, didn't have a job, money, car... nothing. I hated it. I hated who I had become. It was through mutual people that I met George. I don't remember how I met Mike and Kat. I think it was through Chris who I met at the skate park. We were over at Kat and Mike's condo. Kat was pregnant with her first born. Kat wanted to take me to meet the cutest baby girl she had ever seen. Her name is Elizabeth. I was immediately in love with this cute not even 1 year old little girl. I ended up being volunteered into watching Liz so her dad, George, could do over night duty. Things with bad relationship ended up ending in a very bad way shortly after that. I had no where to go and no one to ask help from. I ended up moving in with George to help him take care of Liz for free while in turn getting a free place to stay. Things were turning up. Or so I thought. I knew I wasn't suppose to get involved with  a guy with a baby who was still married, but filling for divorce. A man who at that time was still trying to get his wife back, but I being who I was at that time did. A 7 months and multiple break ups later I was pregnant. I am now going to add in a few back and forth conversations from Pastor Ron and I. 

9/18/2012    I wish you could have been here the last two Sundays. I preached on Joshua 9 and 10. Here is the short version. When the people went into the land, God told them not to make any covenants with the people who already lived there, because if they did, their pagan practices would lead the people to walk away from God. In other words, they would get entangled in things they shouldn't  Well, in chapter 9, this group of people that they were not supposed to make friends with pretends to be from far away and tricks the Israelites into making an agreement with them. Now, they are stuck and can't fight them because they are connected now. Part of the application for us is that sometimes we get into entangling relationships that have long-term consequences. Whatever the relationship with George should or should not have been, you and he are now tied, and you and Zoey are struggling and it's affecting Brenton, Bart, etc. NOW comes chapter 10. Israel's other enemies decide to attack Gibeon, the people Israel made the agreement with that they shouldn't have. And, now, Israel has a commitment they never should have had, but God is good and gracious and still helps them win the battle anyway. My point is this. Even when we end up backing ourselves into uncomfortable corners, God may graciously give us the power and the encouragement to get done what He wants done. God wants Zoey to grow into a healthy woman who knows Him. God wants your marriage to be a blessing and to honor Him. God wants you to have the stamina and grace to be a good mom and wife. So, I believe that, even though the difficulty will continue, if you nurture and cultivate your walk with the Lord....seeking Him devotedly in prayer, reflection, the Word...and living in the power of the Holy Spirit, I believe that He will give you the joy of Jesus and the grace and wisdom to move forward well. God often changes us to handle the circumstances more often than He changes the circumstances. Nurture a true and deep connection to Jesus, a moment by moment relationship with Him so that He can be your wisdom and peace and so that the Spirit can mold you and empower you to be a great mom and wife and not have your peace and joy stolen by George or by Zoey's tantrums as she struggles with being in two families in two places.

I know this is a lot. I care about you and your family. If any of it seems unclear, I will re-visit it. If any of it sounds too direct, know that it is with a gentle heart that I write. Been knowing your family a long time, and I want to see God's hand working there.

Take care for now,

Ron

Part of my Reply 6/8/2013    I want God and I want happiness and I want to be able to handle things level headed with his help. I have utterly been so broken and angry with God since George took Zoey away from me. And it wasn't God's fault. I was reading back on some of the message you sent me sept 2012 and it absolutely relates to me. 100%. I knew not to get myself mixed up with George yet I still did and now I am living with the decisions that I made. 
I am not sure how I can get that last part to come out for it to make sense. I was pretty much putting the blame on everyone but myself and was not taking responsibility for my actions.    


Last week was one of the worse weeks I have ever had. I was sleep deprived from the Sunday of hurry up and wait for the plane, from the boys being sick, I was over whelmed that I couldn't be the one to take care of them, and because I had 20 billion people nagging at me about this being out of ink, out of paper, the ac is broken blah blah blah. I ended up having such a bad angry anxiety attack last week that I am surprise I still have a job. 2 days later it hit me like a ton of bricks that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to freak out at work, or at home, or where ever I might me. Listening to K-Love was my epiphany that I need to be turning my back to this worldly drama and let go and let God take back the control of my life that he had when I was younger. 

Here's the hard part. I have been so angry and broken that I don't know who I am or how to do it. I don't know how to be that happy "Jesus Freak" that I use to be. I want God, I want to be happy. I want my husband and my kids to know God and be happy with me. How do I get there? 

Last Sunday at Church the lesson what about prayer and how to strengthen your relationship with God through prayer. I am horrible about praying. I had a long conversation with my mom and she told me to start with the Lord's Prayer :

Our Father who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us,

and lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

and the power, and the glory,

for ever and ever.

Amen.

I am hoping to be able to openly blog about this new relationship with Christ more often then not. I am hoping that by doing this other people will be able to start a relationship with him as well and want to find that happiness I've been longing for, for so long.